Introduction to Shmeiki 1

Friends, once again as we sit together, let us align ourselves with Shmeiki. Let’s return to bliss, as we sing together the great Shmantra: Shmoooooooooooooooooooom.

Shoham please read the first question.

Shmeiki Baba, you’ve been looking a little peaky recently, have you been having enough Shmantric sex?

What a perceptive question. And whoever asked it, your love is appreciated. The truth is, I haven’t been able to have any Shmantric sex now for about ten days. The reason is, on the last Shiva moon, I was masturbating to the Great Earth Goddess on a rock at the edge of the Shmeiki cave, and somehow I got an infection on my penis.

[Noises of sympathy from the group]

Yes, even Shmeiki Baba gets impatient occasionally. Of course, whilst there is nothing wrong with onanism, Shmantra is of course much better practised with a partner. Let’s say that Great Earth Goddess sent me this infection to remind me to slow down, and stop over stimulating myself. The good news is that the doctor told me I’ll be healthy for our next full moon ceremony.

Next question please, Shoham. But first, there are hands up. Yes, the girl with the dreadlocks and the red t-shirt.

Shmeiki Baba, do you practice pranayama?

No, I just breath nice and deep. Look, whilst your full lotus position is impressive, and your figure delightful, I must say, that when people tell me with their words and postulations, ‘I am a yogi or yogini’, and they wear that rather constipated expression which says, can you see how sensitive I am - I’m a really good person, well, it makes me chuckle, because this type of chasing after a spiritual identity, means any possibility of authenticity has already flown out of the window.

The same applies to anyone who tries to earn a living from new age practices, because as soon as you are receiving money from people for offering spiritual advice, you begin to carry around the identity of being an expert and by and by begin to find it difficult to say ‘I do not know.’ . Just as pitiful are the ernest middle class folk, who label themselves Vipassana Meditators, and followers of dear old Mr. Goenka. They walk around doing the Dhamma Stoop. This is when their backs bend under the weight of precepts which are not their own, and their faces bear the strain of the impossibility of trying to avoid the all to human tendencies of cravings and aversions. They try to comfort themselves by listening to their Guruji, without stopping to wonder why his wife looks even more miserable than Tsipi Livni.
Next question Shoham.

Should I be a vegetarian?

This is another question of identity, and I’m afraid it is the preserve of the truly talentless people, who feel they are interesting because of their complicated diets. Listen, if you eat a healthy, balanced diet, you can eat what you want. Christian children taste the best.
What about your identity as the Shmeiki Baba?
Aha. Thank you. Yes. The Shmeiki Baba is not my identity, for Shmeiki is not mine - Shmeiki just is. Certainly, my name is intended to show my commitment to Shmeiki, but it is merely a convention, and a rather silly one at that. Actually, you may call me anything you please. Likewise if it tickles your fancy, you are welcome to call yourself the Shmeiki Baba.
Before we begin to talk about Shmeiki One, there is time for a last question. Yes.
I know I’m coming in late to this, but can you tell me what Shmeiki is?
Brother, if you look inside, you know the answer to this already. But perhaps you need a little reminder.

Shmeiki is the source of all being, the itch in our underwear, the code the multiverse is written in. Shmeiki is our essence, the glint in our eyes, the most subtle energy and also the dog shit on your fake Crocs. Shmeiki runs through all things and does not come from anywhere. Likewise, it has no beginning and no end, and has always existed. But do not call Shmeiki sacred. It does not need your devotion or approval. In fact, Shmeiki is happy for you to call it by whatever name you like, even bloody Reiki. You are welcome to distort its teachings, or even completely deny its existence, as long as you follow your own path, and do not compromise to live as an blind prisoner of new age bullshit.

Now, an introduction to Shmeiki One. Friends, Shoham has a form for those of you who wish to sign up for the course afterwards.

You see, there is good to be gained from all sorts of new age therapies and practices, but as soon as we build an identity out of them, anything positive is lost, and they become a complete waste of time. This is where Shmechniques – Shmeiki techniques - come into the picture. They are designed for us to get the benefits, without the possibility of taking them seriously.

In Shmeiki One, we have 5 techniques.

1. Shmantra – This is first and foremost. If we’re having divine sex, what does it matter if our football team wins or loses, or that the Rosenbergs have got a new Audi.

2. Psychedelics - Correctly used, they have the power to make our identities seem ridiculous. That’s why they are largely illegal. But let’s get into this more next time.

3. Wasabi – There’s nothing quite like a hit of wasabi to focus on the now. Advanced students snort it.

4. Shitting – Communal shitting allows us to break taboos and share in the deep bodily joy of having a good shit.

5. Opening to the Retard Within – Here we test the limits of socially acceptable behaviour. If the Jews and Arabs rioting recently would have pulled silly faces and rolled around the floor dribbling on themselves, they wouldn’t need to throw bricks.

The important thing to remember - Shmeiki says don’t practice any technique too often, except Shmantra, which we can have as much of as we like. All other Shmechniques, we use, then we forget, at least for a while. And this is how we remember to trust life and dance with the infinite, knowing that the same pattern runs through all things.

Please look closely at the lips on the screen, and on Friday at 12pm, please kiss them, for 2 minutes whilst focusing on the feeling of Shmeiki running through your body. Note those using plasma screens – these can get too hot. Please, test the temperature of your screen first, before kissing it.

For more info, check out www.shmeiki.com